An unhealthy marriage relationship is not an uncommon phenomenon now a days. Although, in Hinduisms and amongst the followers of Hinduism, a marriage is a sacred institution with 7 vows taken in the presence of God Agni forming an indelible bond for believed seven lives of a person. It is for this reason, some prefer living in separation rather than taking a divorce, in a situation when living together is difficult.
A marriage is based on needs and wants of a spouse, which are basically of five types, 1. survival needs, 2. security needs, 3. love needs, 4. esteem needs and 5. need of personal growth (spiritual or otherwise), if these primary needs are not fulfilled, a spouse sooner or later starts finding reasons to stay in the relationship.
“A Marital Relationship is based on needs and wants, which are either basic needs for survival or needs relating to intimacy, esteem or personal growth. Nurturing these needs for each other is the prime objective of any spouse in a healthy relationship.”
Due to our social setup and upbringing of a girl child, most are staying put in an unsatisfactory relationship due to fear of unforeseen future or for divorce still being a taboo in our society. But, long term stay in a constantly unhappy marriage relationship takes its toll on emotional wellbeing and mental health.
Most of the time, one finds it to its dismay, and after much delay that there is no middle path to avoid pain and suffering or avoid an unhappy circumstance in a marriage, where the spouse is the cause of unhappiness.
It could be much easier for you to decide whether to continue your relationship or to end if your partner shows an abusive personality, a pattern of a narcissist person. However, it is undoubtedly a difficult choice, when it is not so and when there is still a visible chance for some real change in the relationship.
A marriage is workable only when various factors of the primary needs of a spouse are periodically fulfilled, inter se between both spouses.
Here are the top 5 signals of an unhealthy relationship to help take corrective steps and/or choose to remain in the marriage or not.
1. Marital Abuse:
Marital abuse of any form is a clear signal for an unhealthy relationship. There are various forms of abuse in a marital relationship, which could be physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Physical abuse is visible and recognizable but emotional abuse is much more subtle and sometimes with “forced joining” ( when another spouse is giving intimacy signals simultaneously) it is difficult to understand the real nature of the relationship.
When there are no prior boundaries decided in the relationship like privacy/personal boundaries, emotional boundaries, value boundaries, etc., there are many more chances that a wife would suffer emotional abuse and still would not be able to judge it in the relationship.
2. Constantly unhappy:
Ask yourself, if you are constantly unhappy in marriage. There could be various reasons for one to be unhappy in marriage. Sometimes, it could also be for unrealistic expectations and needs of self or in a similar way unrealistic demands of another spouse. In both cases, one must have to understand and adapt to change in the marriage based on realistic expectations.
When your unrealistic demands and expectation from your spouse, which are based on preconceived notions, are not met it may bring unhappiness for you. A continuous feeling of dissatisfaction would cause an irreparable breakdown of the marriage.
Whenever you feel, there is a lack of trust, lack of care and concern, or there is a history of dishonesty in words and acts of a spouse, these are good enough signs and reasons for one to be constantly unhappy in the relationship.
3. Stonewalling:
A start of emotional disconnect is when the couple starts avoiding healthy communication. Good communication acts as a bridge to fill any perceptional gaps. When a person starts “stonewalling” and gives no response to the approaches and communication of another spouse, it is difficult to improve and compromise.
A spouse with an avoidant personality or spouse with an unrealistic expectation or a victim of a spouse of unrealistic expectations may show such signs of stonewalling. There could also be instances of a spouse with an anxious personality to use “stonewalling”, as a protest behavior. When you face such a scenario, it is difficult to make any real communication with each other and whenever you try, it more often than not leads to arguments and fights.
Sometimes, when you are constantly unhappy in a marriage it brings a situation when you are no longer interested or care for any improvement, you no longer bother to fix the problem and you are no longer interested in seeking any help to bring spark in your marriage. This is the sign of an unhealthy marriage relationship.
4. Infidelity :
In a marital relationship, one problem brings many more negative components with it and they are so intertwined that you can not keep each one separate. When a spouse is in an extramarital relationship (which could also be a “rebound relationship”, and the person causing infidelity also blames it to another spouse for his/her handling of relationship) it brings with it also dishonesty, emotional abuse, lack of sharing and care, lack of intimacy and lack of respect.
A spouse who is a serial cheater and to keep his/her infidelity in wrap either tries to dominate for being a caregiver or emotional blackmail is a clear signal of an unhealthy relationship.
5. Causing harm to self-esteem:
A common practice of a dependent wife in our society is to submerge and accept a loss of self-identity in the marriage relationship. However, it causes more harm than benefits, as then it is easier for a husband to demean and ignore a wife’s belief, values, and culture.
Lack of respect for the wife in a relationship is a major cause of an unhealthy relationship.
It makes a married life difficult if one spouse continues to either attack or defends ignoring the needs of another spouse. A need for self-esteem is much more crucial when a wife is in a dependent role.
The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator, and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer. If you want, a Private Marital or Divorce Mediation through Video Conferencing or one to one online/phone counseling on any relationship issues, you can call and make an appointment at +91-9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.
You can evaluate the health of your marriage relationship with a “Marriage Health Tool”. Send me an email at legalmindajitkumar@gmail.com, if you want the tool free.
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