7 Protest Behaviours an Anxious Partner should avoid

Attachment Patterns of Adults, including people in a marriage relationship, are the functions of lived experiences; having mostly being influenced by actual experiences within one’s family of origin during childhood.

Adult Attachment Patterns or style are rooted in both early interactions with their primary caregiver i.e., parents and later based on the challenges and the validity of those attachment experiences a working model is developed later in life. These attachment patterns are although fairly stable from infancy to adulthood but are open to change.

People tend to behave in ways that validate and reinforce their existing working model of attachment. For example, Anxious partner clinging behavior seeking more intimacy often annoys a partner and sometimes made the partner more avoidant, thus confirming the fear of an Anxious partner of rejection and abandonment. This further aggravates the scenario and heightens the activated attachment cycle forcing the anxious partner to attempt other protest behavior and hyper activating strategies intensifying fears of rejection and abandonment.

The activated attachment or hyper activating strategies once starts the anxious partner would be enormously burdened with negative emotions, would be amplifying the threatening aspects or even minor troubles, starts negative appraisals of a partner and heightened recall of threat-related feelings and rumination on actual and potential threats.

If you are a person with an Anxious Attachment style, at least you don’t need a person/partner who continuously activates your attachment system leading you to have maladaptive behavior i.e., protest behaviors.

As Anxious attachment people mostly got attracted very quickly and have a very sensitive attachment system. Therefore,  understanding of Activated Attachment system is more essential for an Anxious Attachment person/partner than a person with Secure or Avoidant Attachment.

In Anxious people, once the attachment system is activated, it does not stop until they receive reassurance from their attachment figure of any sign by overt/covert act showing physical and emotional intimacy and availability. During such an activated attachment system their thoughts, acts, and behavior is aimed for a single purpose to reestablish closeness with their attachment figure/partner.

However, the protest behavior initiated due to an activated attachment system, when a threat is perceived of rejection and abandonment by an anxious partner. The Anxious attachment partner inherently has a pessimistic mindset and would always be imagining a negative scenario in any given situation.

For example… If the husband of an Anxious Attachment wife would not reach home in the evening, the more likely thoughts flowing in the mind of wife would be of any possibility of an accident, meeting her female colleague for dinner or any other negative thoughts.

Thus, until the Anxious Attachment Partner retools and reshapes his/her attachment model, this roller coaster of emotional ups and downs will continue, which is a very disastrous and debilitating experience to cope with. The Anxious Attachment Partner still can at least avoid below 7 Maladaptive protest behaviors to save their relationship.

1. Don’t Let Best being taken out of you

The Anxious Attachment Partner is in a heightened emotional state with a single purpose of regaining and re-establishing closeness with a partner. In such an emotional state sometimes there are no self-control and emotions take entire control over you forcing you to speak aggressively or act and behave in a manner damaging your relationship.

Therefore, always be conscious and self-aware to avoid making presumptions at least negative and pessimistic ones relating to the relationship.

2.     Avoid Calling/texting or making repeated attempt to contact

Although, it would be the obvious first reaction to contact by any mode with your attachment figure/partner when an activated attachment system is initiated to seek reassurance. However, sometimes more vigorous and continuous attempts would annoy and might be counterproductive, as the partner might try to avoid further confirming the belief of threat of rejection and abandonment.

3.     Don’t Withdraw or give the threat to leave

The Anxious Attachment partner is seeking closeness and proximity in the relationship as to reassure the existence and future of the relationship. Therefore, withdrawing or giving the threat to leave is nothing more than an emotional drama to seek the attention of the partner, all the while hoping the partner to make a move to reassure and would not leave.

Sometimes, as a protest behavior, the Anxious attachment partner deliberately tries to withdraw by stopping to speak or talk and assume the attachment figure/partner to know what he/she is undergoing and how much emotional pain is being felt due to the threat of rejection and abandonment.  

This an emotional drama to seek attention from the Partner. Don’t presume that your partner should have a higher degree of emotional intelligence and to take your emotional drama in a positive way, while understanding that emotions are temporary reactions and are not the reality. This may backfire and instead of withdrawing and not speaking, the better approach is to have openly letting know the partner of your needs.

However, such an approach to have effective communication is difficult being already under threat of rejection and abandonment. The anxious attachment partner presumes his/her approach would be rebuffed and is expecting a first move giving an endorsement from the attachment figure/partner.

4.     Don’t Keep Score and avoid Rumination

When there is an activated attachment system in Anxious Attachment Partner, there is a tendency of paying very minute attention to the behavior of attachment figure/partner and there is an expectation for a first make move from them.

The Anxious Attachment Partner even starts counting time or number of contact attempts made by him/her to the attachment figure/partner and there is excessive thinking for the attachment figure/partner, which are mostly with a negative appraisal. This further harms and escalates the situation and creates negative thoughts, perceptions in the mind of an Anxious attachment partner.

5.     Don’t Act in Hostility

The activated attachment system in Anxious Attachment partner if not reassured timely by the attachment figure/partner may start disobeying, act contrary and can also transgress to outright violence against the attachment figure/partner or any other loved ones of the attachment figure.

This is the protest behavior, when the anxious attachment partner has failed to get reassurance in a reasonable time or when there is an outright threat of rejections or abandonment. In any eventuality, any such protest behavior is not likely to get the desired result, which is in the first place to seek reassurance and reestablishment of closeness with a partner.

6.     Avoid Manipulation

Some times, the anxious attachment partner deliberately starts manipulating things to seek physical and emotional intimacy and closeness. Paradoxically, such manipulations could also be relating to overt and covert acts of ignoring the attachment figure/partner or acting busy to avoid.

Always avoid such or any other kind manipulation, which is based on a wrong and false factual basis and would never have a positive effect when found out by your attachment figure/partner.

7.     Avoid Making him/her feel Jealous

There is a strong tendency of Anxiously attached partners to seek solace in a rebound relationship. Such efforts may bring temporary emotional relief but always brings more danger and have drastic repercussion to the entire relationship.

Even a causal or flirting affair may put your relationship in danger and therefore, always avoid any act to put your attachment figure/partner feel jealous just to seek more closeness and intimacy from him.

There is the various manifestation of protest behavior and activating strategies but all these acts detrimental to the relationship. Therefore, it is important to learn to recognize them when they happen and find more constructive ways of handling difficult situations rather than going for protest behavior.

There are two tips for Anxious attachment people for one who is single, he/she must find a partner with a secure attachment style. Second, those Anxious attachment style people both in a relationship or still looking for the right partner must start to reshape their attachment working model by retooling themselves for more secure relationship skills. This could be done with the help of a relationship coach with guidance to work basically on rethinking your attitudes and beliefs about relationships from an attachment perspective.

The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer.

For an online one to one counseling on any relationship issues, you can take an appointment on WhatsApp @ 9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.

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