Emotional abuse in marriage is the biggest reason for an unstable and unhealthy marital relationship. A spouse victim of emotional abuse feels trapped in a relationship with difficulty to come out. The impact of emotional abuse is severe making invisible wounds in the form of self-doubt, loss of self-identity, and self-worth. It not only destroy the marriage but before that also affects other relationships of the spouse, who is taking emotional abuse leading to self-isolation and depression.
Our laws mostly cater only to physical and sexual abuse but a major destroyer of any marriage is emotional abuse, which unfortunately is a less understood form of abuse. People have awareness about domestic violence, which is considered mostly as physical abuse and very few people know and understand what constitutes emotional abuse and the consequences of it on their marriage relationship.
I had in my earlier post discussed the personality traits, which are formed from the childhood of a person, and those behaviors are carried on in adulthood. The early childhood experience also plays an important role in the phenomenon of becoming an emotional abuser or the taker of emotional abuse in their adulthood. This means that the traits of their personality are not easy to change and takes a little more time and effort to change. But indeed, people characterized as emotional abusers can bring a change, provided first they are aware of their problem and focused to change using joint strategies with their spouse. This part of applying strategies may come later maybe in some other post.
When I say that emotional abusers should be aware of their problem, the reason is that often such people either male or female are unaware of their behavior and that it could harm their partner and their relationship. Therefore, also have difficulty in admitting the problem also. The emotional abuse is subtle and discreet, which is most of the time manipulative and therefore, making it difficult to recognize even by the spouse at receiving end.
“The emotional abuse could be some time so subtle and discreet making it difficult to recognize.”
Every attempt by one spouse to belittle or berate the other, in whatever way, be it by criticism, intimidation, manipulation is emotional abuse. The emotional abuse could be some time so subtle and discreet making it difficult to recognize. Constant criticism and manipulation may even cause the victim to think and perceive themselves at fault in certain situations. This is caused because of the distortion of perception and reality.
However, it is necessary and incumbent upon the spouse suffering emotional abuse to be able to identity the patterns and signs of abuse to make corrective steps at the right time. The 7 signs or patterns to identify the emotional abuse in a marriage relationship are:-
1. Domination
When a partner tends to control the wants and needs of the other partner by either constant monitoring, rationing, interfering, restricting, or threatening to stop the resources, it is a clear sign of the one partner seeking complete domination and to isolate and silence the other partner.
2. Constant criticism, blame or verbal assault
A partner with a fault-finding behavior would always criticize you and would never be satisfied, whatever you might do to please him/her. This constant criticism slowly and continuously chips away from your self-confidence and the victim of such emotional abuse loses his/her self identity and self-respect. Over time it also causes distorted perceptions and reality, where the spouse tends to start finding fault in his/her behavior and actions.
3. Constant chaos
Constant Chaos brings consistent unhappiness in marriage and there is no nurturing of the relationship. The continuous emotional drama and chaos of accusation, jealousy, possessiveness, emotional outburst, and rumination, depression brings more insecurity in relationships.
Constant chaos in the relationship keeps you constantly unsettled, do not allow yourself to feel secure in the relationship. Unwarranted arguments, blowing out from minuscule difference or problem to a full-blown episode or other protest behavior and emotional dramas continuously feed on insecurity in the relationship.
4. Emotional blackmail
It is a sort of manipulation to get unreasonable demands fulfilled from your partner. The lack of setting out boundary or non-negotiable needs or wants by the partner victim of such emotional abuse makes it is easier for the other partner to emotionally blackmail by playing on the partner’s guilt, fear, or relationship obligations. The partner may also playout by withholding talks or sex or may even give the silent treatment or cold shoulder to show his/her resentment with you.
The emotional blackmail can be overt, as mentioned above, and could also be covert. A husband might suggest his wife of lack of options if she chooses not to remain in the current relationship or similarly, a wife might suggest jokingly of getting sexual attention from an office colleague to make her husband toe her line.
5. Distorted perceptions
Distorted perception may lead to a belief or create doubt in self capabilities for the victim of emotional abuse. This happens more in cases of wife, who doubt her perceptions, her capability, and sometimes even her memory. An emotional abuser husband continuously insinuates her wife of making a mountain out of a mole or even suggesting that she is lying. All this insinuation is with the sole attempt to gain control over the wife or to avoid his responsibility in the marriage.
6. Unpredictable responses
All sorts of inappropriate behavior including intense anger with no ability to control, sudden mood swings or emotional outbursts without any situational context and any reason or incongruent action and speech are the examples of types of such emotional abuse. A person doing such behavior tends to frequently change his/her mind, mood, and behavior constantly putting you on the tenter hook.
Such behavior is mostly associated with persons who are habitual drinkers or drug abusers, which makes them have a split personality of one before being intoxicated and one when he/she is sober. This unpredictable behavior of the abusive spouse would always keep you on the edge.
7. The threat of rejection or abandonment
The emotionally abusive spouse is in habit of giving the threat of abandonment, often in cases where the wife is completely lost in the relationship with her husband with no other support system. The continuous taking of emotional abuse further put dents to her self-esteem and self-confidence. In such a scenario, the wife finds it difficult to move out of the relationship.
Below is a simple Questionnaire created by me, to ask yourself these seven questions to find out if you are being emotionally abused?
1. Do you feel, you need the validation from your husband/partner of whatever you think or do in your day to day activity?
2. Does your partner consciously or unconsciously tries to belittle or berate you in public/private by pointing out a lack of education/etiquette/background/financial status etc.?
3. Does your partner more often than not ignore, dismiss, disregard, or even ridicule your opinion, thoughts, suggestions, and emotions?
4. Have you ever felt being isolated, as you deliberately stopped seeing your friends/family due to fear that your partner might feel jealous or you might feel ashamed for how your partner might behave and treat you in their presence?
5. Does your partner punish you or frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t toe his/her line?
6. Does your partner do not find any fault in his/her actions and always point out your mistakes, accuse you, and make you feel that you are the one responsible for the problems?
7. Does your partner feels and show himself/herself superior and always right and makes sarcastic remarks upon you or expect from you to do or makes unreasonable demands?
If you have more than 5 “Yes” answers, you are in an abusive relationship.
The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator, and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer. If you want a Private Marital or Divorce Mediation through Video Conferencing or one to one online/phone counseling on any relationship issues, you can call and make an appointment at +91- 9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.
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