Amongst all other emotions, it is Fear and Anger (also core negative emotions), which are difficult to regulate and one needs emotional intelligence to handle them healthily. The intensity of these emotions is based on what we perceive in a particular situation, which again is based on background, context, and our past experiences. When such emotions arise, a wife wants to share her feelings and emotions qua those situations causing either anger or fear. A simple complaint of wife in a given situation could be perceived by the husband as his criticism enraging and creating a Faultline in the relationship.
If the husband has not enough emotional aptitude, there is always a high chance of a husband perceiving a complaint, as a personal criticism on his character. Then what a wife should do, how she must air her grievance, and even her emotions sharing a particular situation in family or relationship.
Here are some tips for the wife to learn, how to air your grievance without being labelled as a chronic critic and not to voice as a personal attack on the husband.
Always be specific
Bring a specific situation or incident; specific incompetency or anything which could have been done or any key problem at a time. Make sure not to merge it or give reference to any past incident or problem.
A direct complaint makes the other person go on defensive mode. If you confront someone outright making a complaint about work not done right, do you think he would be open and keen to listen to your solution to the problem or how the work not done right had impacted you personally. But it is not always, that the entire work/effort made is wrong or defective, some part of work may be right or at least there is positive intent to do the work.
Therefore, it is better to first make praise of that part of work done right or the intent of doing it before making a complaint. You should be specific about making a complaint only of that part of work or action, which was not correct.
Offer a Solution
If you lodge your specific complaint after making praise to a part of the work or intent of your husband and thus, you had made sure to bring him in a soothing and comfortable position to listen to your solution. An offer of a solution is in a way offer for co-operation to find a solution collaboratively, then such complaint can never be termed a personal criticism.
Once you also offer a solution to your complaint, it is easier for your husband to make an endorsement at the earliest.
Be Present
Any such complaint should always be made in person and preferably in private, to avoid any embarrassment to the husband.
Be Sensitive
A wife must always use what she has biologically inherited i.e, ability to connect emotionally and therefore, should remain empathetic while sharing her ordeal or explaining the problem faced.
To say in a way that doesn’t look like a critic.
She must be conscious and aware, what to say and how to say?
When a complaint is made with an emotional connect and empathy, it inhibits any attempt of stonewalling by the husband. It happens when one pulls back totally from any discussion with stony expressions and silence. It is all the more harming when it prompts stony silence giving signs of frigid distance and superiority.
In a sound marriage, the couples are allowed to voice objections and disagreements, but as often as not in the heat of anger and outrage, you are emotionally hijacked. In such a situation, you tend to express feelings and emotions in dangerous style adding up to assault on the character of your husband. The contrast between the complaint and personal criticism is really basic, in a complaint the wife states explicitly what’s irritating her and criticizes the circumstance and not her significant other i.e husband.
However, personal criticism looks like an attack and leaves the husband at a receiving end feeling embarrassed and might feel like disliked, accused, or considered as incompetent. This prompts a different reaction as opposed to looking to address the issue. At this point when a complaint is put down with words filled with hatred like telling the husband to be a stupid, impotent, or good for nothing guy. With explicit non-verbal communication of staring eyes, the outright appearance of hostility, it might prompt physical violence.
Personal criticism may likewise lead the husband to stonewall, which an extreme guard in defence. As this constant reaction of stonewalling happens, it leads to a staggering marriage and relationship, as it cuts all prospects of resolving the disagreement and conflict.
Equal responsibility is of the husband to be aware and understand the reality of there being a biological difference between males and females. They both represent two different and sperate social universe. A woman would always feel more intensely and would have volatile emotions. The couples have to understand this gender difference. Such emotional disconnect is reflected in following example.
A situation where the couple had a toddler boy ready for admission to a playschool. The wife had a conversation with the husband:
“Wife: You have never been keen on sharing things with me, you haven’t shared with me what are you earning. I don’t understand, what you do, most of the time you are at home.
Husband: (feeling she want to control and manipulate) Why I should tell you. Aren’t you getting what you need?”
And this conversation may go anywhere depending upon the emotional intelligence of the couples. In the hindsight, if you analyse the situation, it might be out of her anxiety and concern for the relationship and their child’s future, the wife is seeking reassurance of financial position or a possible encouragement and motivation because of her love for the husband.
An emotionally intelligent husband could have responded by saying that I can understand your concern for our financial stability, I am already working on it. Further, explaining his efforts in that regard.
A husband should understand that the apparent “complaint” of the wife may be an endeavour of preserving a relationship or may be presented out of her love. The complaint might not be made to draw out a solution but only to share her emotions with the hope of a patient listening and understanding her emotions.
The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer.
For one to one online/phone counselling on any relationship issues, you can take an appointment on WhatsApp @ 9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.
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