The assertive style of communication has more pros than cons, especially in interpersonal intimate relationships like marriage. Amongst other styles of communication, it is considered better due to the ability to express unmet needs in a close and intimate relationship, which avoids resentment and any possible faultline in marriage. The assertive style is based on the balance between your needs and the needs of others. It is a balanced way of expressing your needs effectively without hurting the feelings and emotions of your spouse.
There are possible risks attached to the assertive style of communication, which are that such communicators are perceived as aggressive and have to often face criticism. So, if you are open to and confident in managing such criticism, the assertive style would help you to achieve win-win situations, helps in problem-solving, and keep you less anxious and resentful.
“The assertive style would help you to achieve win-win situations, helps in problem-solving, and keep you less anxious and resentment.”
There are certain tips and advice on achieving the assertive style of communication, which are as under:-
1. Value your right to equity and recognize self-identity
To be more assertive, one needs to have self-belief in identifying rights/needs and further to seek equity and self-identity. A relationship based on inequity and hazy self-identity of any spouse is a sure shot recipe of a dysfunctional relationship. Trust in a relationship, which is desired for an open and assertive communication starts with the need to recognize and respect the self-identity and right of equality of the other spouse.
Open and honest communication is possible amongst equals. If one is still searching for his/her identity or not considered equal in a relationship, one spouse would always be in a dominant position and the other spouse would always fear unfair, one-sided affair in all activities including communication. Any sort of communication influencing any aspect of the relationship is bound not to succeed and would falter. This could be a spouse’s subjective perception and may not be true, but a person with somewhat blurred self-identity would always consider there being inequity in everything.
2. Be Vocal for your non-negotiable needs/boundaries:
To achieve an assertive style of communication, a wife must identify and set healthy boundaries, which could be her needs for personal space, me time, self privacy, and are non-negotiable to her. A wife should communicate those boundaries/needs to another spouse clearly, calmly with a non-judgmental mindset. This should not be treated as a stonewalling or distancing tactic but as some personal physical space, a space for self-reflection, and self-development. These non-negotiable needs are the healthy boundaries within which a relationship must grow and nurture. These boundaries are for personal space, sexuality, emotions and thoughts, time and energy, stuff and possession and helps in providing a self-identity and respect.
3. Achieve open and honest interactions :
It is always better to play safe, as being assertive should not lead to defame or bring guilt to your spouse by your spoken words and gestures or from your tone and demeanor. Therefore, putting in advance mutually agreed on interaction rules and certain boundaries, thus reinforcing openness in communication, is always a good idea.
A mutual pre-decided formation of ground rules of couple’s encounter, be it couples talk time, normal interactions, or conflict time is quite essential to create an open and safe place in the relationship. These rules and guidelines should be set forth and voluntarily agreed upon. The rules could be like, listen actively with no interruption, or giving each spouse equal opportunity to speak, staying calm, avoid blame gaming or guilt trips, avoiding being judgmental and any caustic responses.
4. Schedule for interpersonal dialogue:
To have assertive communication it is better to Schedule a fixed time and place/location for important interactions in sharing ideas and viewpoints and stick to the schedule. Focusing on the purpose of starting this initiative would help you in sticking to the schedule and a regular occurrence of the interpersonal dialogue. Keep the time for only 5-10 minutes to start with. It helps in building trust and commitment in the relationship. This formal dialogue would help both spouses to share their feeling, concern, and emotions and would help in raising connections to the next higher level.
5. Make Use of Assertive Statements:
Setting up the rights, which do not offend other spouse and using “I” statements, which forms your feelings and emotions in your interactions with others is key communication techniques for being assertive.
How to Use “I” Statements:
1. “I feel ______ when _____________ because ____________.
2. “What I need is _________________.
You can appreciate an example of the goodness of assertive communication in the following example:
Assertive: I feel sad when you ignored my need to visit the temple.
Ineffective: You are good for nothing, a lazy soul, (blaming) and have no faith in God (being judgmental) to visit the temple.
6. Confidence, clarity, and control: ingredients for assertive communication
You must be composed and have self-belief in yourself. If you are honest with your values, culture, and needs, you would always be aware of what you are demanding or saying.
You need to have the clarity of thoughts in your needs, clarity to express them, and then to be firm and resilient to those non-negotiable needs.
You have to remain in control of things, what is happening around you. An understanding of worldly manners and some diplomacy is the need of the hour.
The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator, and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer. For seeking a practical Marital or Divorce Mediation through Video Conferencing and one to one online/phone counseling on any relationship issues, you can call and make an appointment at 9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.
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