Humans are full of emotions, as it is said but emotions are not you. Emotions cannot become our very existence. Emotions are only what you feel at a given point in time and not what you are. Emotions are merely physiological phenomena, what a body is experiencing or feeling. For example, the feeling of anger is similar to pain in the abdomen after doing multiple crunches at the gym; and as the abdomen pain subsides after some time you stop doing crunches, the anger also goes away sooner than later if left unattended by objective awareness. Both these emotions are similar i.e., anger and bodily pain are experiences perceived by the body and are thus physiological.
Therefore, the common description reflecting emotions as being us is not correct, like when people say “I am angry” or “I am sad”. If your emotions are who you are, there is permanency and it should be an irreversible thing. “I am angry”, then I should always behave like an angry person. But, it is not happening to any of us. Therefore, it shows that emotions are not who you are.
“Emotions are merely physiological phenomena, what a body is experiencing or feeling”.
The particular emotional state of mind is the feeling perceived by the body. When one says “I am angry” he is not properly reflecting it, the correct position is “I am feeling anger in my body”.
When emotions are hiked, which is a temporary state of mind, it brings certain physiological changes in body and mind. When those hiked emotions subside, the emotional state comes back to the original state. The neutral emotional base of each person is different depending upon the ability to regulate emotions. If a person is feeling anger in his body for most of the day and is not able to regulate it effectively. The neutral emotional base would slightly move towards a negative emotional state/side and makes it your natural behavior. Although, it not a permanent emotional state. If it can change from your neutral mental state, it is a good enough indication that it can be changed again towards a positive emotional state.
Similarly, if the emotions were regulated well continuously, the said the neutral emotional base would move and stay towards a positive emotional state. It is because of this; one is said to have a cheerful personality or an arrogance personality. See below the infographic emotional bar.
The question is how and what has to be done to bring this naturally neutral state of emotional mind in or towards a positive emotional state?
Proper management and regulation of emotions is the key to any relationship. It is one way to bring a change and shift your emotional state of mind towards a positive emotional state. The regulation or management of emotions starts with identifying and acknowledging the emotions. A little heed on the trigger points or situation when emotions arose is also important. But the difficult and important part is to learn to share emotions with the right person, at the right time, to the right degree, for the right purpose, and in the right way.
“learn to share emotions with the right person, at the right time, to the right degree, for the right purpose, and in the right way”.
Self-regulation is not about blocking or evading the feelings and emotions. In certain situations, it is important even to respond to negative emotions like sadness, when your friend is sharing news of a death in his family. In such a situation, it is proper to share the emotions of sadness with him. So, self-regulation is not rejecting the experience of a particular emotion forever but to be able to deal with it skillfully and effectively.
It is said that the largest forest fire can be extinguished by a glass of water by pouring it on the first spark at the onset of fire. Similarly, if one can handle the trigger points it is easier to block the inflammation of emotions and any possible emotional hijacking.
Triggers points are situation, which has certain past/background and the involved person can assess them easily by attention (focused awareness). Trigger point is when you know you feel bad about something. The trigger could be felt in the body, like short and shallow breathing, heightened heart rate, chest tightening, clench fist, etc. Similarly, you will get an emotional sign of flight and fight response also.
The following are some of the ways of dealing and managing emotional triggers through the tools of mindfulness:
Stop and don’t react
The first and important step is to “pause” to avoid emotional hijacking. It is because of your focused awareness, you have identified the onset of the emotional trigger and make a “pause”. Stopping at the first instance lets the other steps to follow to manage and deal with those emotional triggers better and effectively.
It is better not to react, a reaction is always the instantaneous response without using the cognitive mind. It is like when a person instantly moves his hand towards the point of leg bitten by an ant. There is no thought process and no involvement of the cognitive mind.
Breathing
Whenever you found the onset of emotion, which may engulf you and lead to disastrous consequences, and after making a conscious pause, the second step is to focus on your breath. Try to consciously slow down your breath up to 6- 8 per minute. You can slow down your breath, by taking a deep breath, using retention and slow exhilaration. The slow and deep breathing would calm down your mind.
Notice and Observe
Notice and observing emotions, as a physiological phenomenon is an appropriate way to experience emotions. You should notice as to how a particular emotion has brought certain changes in your body. How you are feeling that emotion in your body? it only then you will be in a position to reflect those emotions.
Reflect
Now is the time to understand the background and past from where these emotions are coming. It is time to critically review the perceptions causing these emotions. Applying alternative perceptions/options is a good technique to focus on and address those triggers. In situations where a third person involved, it is always better to put yourself into his/her shoes and understand their perspective also. The reflection is always non-judgemental i.e., in analyzing the perspectives, you are not judging, which is right or wrong.
Respond
This is the situation where there is an application of the cognitive mind, a thought process has gone into to achieve a positive result. The focus at this stage to respond with kindness and empathy and to get a mutually positive outcome.
The Author, Legal Mind Ajit Kumar, is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator, and an expert in conflict resolution besides being a practicing Divorce/Family Lawyer.
For one to one online/phone counselling on any relationship issues, you can take an appointment on WhatsApp @ 9810522134. If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and looking for a quick divorce, visit our website https://medvorce.com for a free registration by creating an account to find if you are qualified for a mutual and uncontested divorce.
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